Despite the four day headache which has morphed into a combo migraine/sinus/tension headache I actually felt like I could get stuff done today.
The kids went to bed really late last night but didn't sleep in at all, so it was nice and early. I had writing to do, housework to do, wrap a present for a birthday party, unshelve all the books from our upstairs bookshelf so it could be moved downstairs . . . blah, blah, blah. Typical day, basically. And I was ready to tackle it.
T's been having tummy problems so probiotic capsules have made their appearance in our house. Despite the live-culture yogurt and probiotic enhanced bread we've decided to up the ante.
I give the baby some homemade dandelion cordial that we also finished making yesterday, packed with Vitamin C.
"Prison" courtesy of ClixMaybe I shouldn't give my "all" because then they will expect it and not learn independent skills. Maybe I am denying myself in a way that acts as a bad role model for my daughter. Maybe I'm creating false impressions and setting her up for a lifetime of feeling like a failure and my son's up for a lifetime of feeling like no woman can measure up (okay, I know I'm not THAT good).
But the number one reason I felt guilt is because I was about to feel pride. Pride in being a good mother.
We're not supposed to be too proud of it, you know. After all, it's "just" mothering. And if we feel a sense of accomplishment and maybe even brag about it a little then we're making other mothers feel bad while at the same time reinforcing the anti-feminist belief that women can only be mothers.
And yes, I have been told this by a "feminist." A real, working feminist who works with a women's council once informed me that the "back to basics" mothering movement was going to destroy the work of generations of women.
I didn't know I was part of a movement. I just thought I was taking care of my family.
Because you can say what you want about the importance of parenting, but I chose to have children. And with that choice comes responsibilities. I am now responsible for them. I am responsible for keeping them healthy and supporting them. But I am also responsible for raising them, educating them, and preparing them to become citizens of our world. It's not just what I do that will have an impact now, but what they do. My influence on the world and the reach of my ideals has increased exponentially.
So when I felt that pride, and yes, maybe a little tingle of power, I should have been able to embrace it.
Instead I squashed it with inane guilt. Guilt that makes no sense.
As a feminist myself, my only true wish for future generations of women is that they not be saddled with this damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't guilt.
One thing I know is that the guilt I feel for being a "bad" mother sometimes is an internally created feeling. But the guilt I feel for being "too good" a mother is something that's been placed inside of me by the things I've read and been told.
So, out you go guilt. I'll sweep you away with these breadcrumbs. And please don't reappear tommorrow with the next batch of breadcrumbs.
Where does your guilt come from?