You Know You've Been Together Too Long When . . .

Right-o. So, if you read this blog at all, you know I enoy a little fart humour and have a potty mouth. If you've got a problem with either of those it might be best if you go somewhere else right now.

I am about to reveal how intimate my husband and I are.

It's pretty disgusting. So I definitely understand if you decide to go click on something else.

OK. Still here? Wow, you're brave. And probably not too smart.

Here's what happened:

Scene: The Big Cheese and I sitting on the-world's-most-uncomfortable-and-smelly-plaid-couch in the basement. We're watching "Couples Retreat" (which actually did have some pretty funny moments, especially involving a toilet, but was a little too boring in parts and saccharine in other parts).

TBC: Smell this (his wine! Please, get your mind out of the gutter)
Me: (take a sniff, not notice anything particularly great) Mmm, yeah, good.
TBC: You can read all the wine books and take all the courses in the world, but I'll tell you the one secret to picking a great wine.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Yes, honey, what's that?
TBC: It must smell like . . . winegums! A perfect wine smells just like winegums.
Me: Really?
TBC: blather, blather, blather - something about winegums and wine and he's very pleased with himself and thinks he's being funny.

*Note: something about my husband's librarian-ish sense of humour (he is a librarian after all, he's entitled to it) makes me flatulent. I tried my best. I put my hand over his mouth to stop the blather, blather. I told him "shhh, we're watching a movie." I asked him very politely if he ever wanted any form of sexual favours again. I even threatened that his foolishness would wake the children (ever the clowns, they wake at the slightest sniff of silliness goin on). None of it worked. I let out a little inaudible whimper of a fart. Husband didn't notice.

Another thing you must know is that our couch often emits odors of it's own. And it's so uncomfortable that we squirm so much that you could never tell if someone was squirming due to gaseous release or if they were just regular squirming.

Me: (sniffing the air suspiciously) Did you just fart? Please tell me you farted!
TBC: (indignant) No, to answer your question, I did not fart . ..
Me: Oh God!
TBC: What? I thought you farted.
Me: I did! But it SMELLS JUST LIKE YOURS. Dear Lord, that's wrong!
TBC: Some couples end up looking and sounding like each other. We fart like each other.
Me: I can't believe my farts smell like yours!! (almost falls on floor laughing)
. . . .
After a long and hysterical break
. . . .
TBC: You're going to blog this tommorrow, aren't you?
Me: I was just thinking the same thing. Yes. Yes, I am. Have you a problem with that?
TBC: No. I'm sure it'll send all your British best friends atwitter.
Me: I love you so much.
Disgusting, right?
Sorry for that.
But just out of curiosity. Have you ... well ...you know? Do you smell like your partner? And, if you do, are you ever-so-slightly offended that you smell like him/her rather than your partner smelling like you? (not that I am, mind, just curious)


  1. Mwahahahaahahaha!!! It smells just like yours!!! Are you kiddding? THAT is classic. How could I love you more? But I do. I do. I really really do.

  2. No! I can honestly say I don't. That is, mine don't smell like his and his don't smell like mine. Even though we eat the same things. But my son's smell like his. Weird that. And they take great delight in it all. Too much information!

    Like the new look!

  3. I have no words, really, no words!

  4. That really is very very funny. Just quietly *whispers* I think we might ahem do that too!

  5. Yes!!!!! I laughed out loud at this...

    because it's happened to me before...

    several weeks beforehand there had been a "charcoal-farting" incident with my OH producing, you guessed it - farts that smelled like farts combined with charcoal/burning wood! It was SO BAD I was genuinely ANGRY at him after he'd let more than one or two out and the whole house was stinking! The genuine anger made him laugh hysterically, making me even MORE angry etc, and getting on at him to go OUTSIDE when he needed to fart one of those monsters out etc!

    Well a few weeks later sitting on the couch together *I* let out a charcoal one. Dear lord, I was shocked!!! It was rank! But we just laughed like maniacs...

  6. That is hysterical!! I still remember the looks on the kids faces when I explained to them that everyone farts. The President of the United States? Yup, he farts too. Good times! :-)


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