Parenting: It's wonderful, isn't it? Don't you love the nurturing and inspiring of young minds?
Don't you hate it when you realise that try as you might, honours university degree, high IQ and all, you can't outsmart your kids?
Here's a couple of conundrums I am working on. Perhaps if we can combine our parenting brain power we can solve one or two of these burning questions:
1. How long must your children not have played with, paid attention to, or remember they possess a certain toy before you can throw it out, give away or resell it without hearing the cry "but that's my favourite?"
Please provide your response as a mathematical formula such as (B*P) + (I*A)=L where B is the number of batteries it takes and P is the percentage of plastic used in the construction; I is how long in days they've ignored it and A is how far off in years they are from the suggested age. L, of course, would be the length of time it needs to be utterly hidden (with batteries removed so it doesn't start acting posessed and calling out from the storage room) before it can be "disposed of."
2. Why is it that from 2:00pm-4:30pm, when Mommy is hitting her energy slump, the children are hitting their energy high? Supply possible reasons and solutions that don't involve duct tape or massive amounts of drugs. Small amounts of drugs are appropriate enough.
3. How can a child pee in the potty or toilet without actually getting pee IN the potty or toilet whilst meanwhile covering the bathroom floor, counters, ceiling and sink? Extra points if you can explain it for a girl.
4. How many outfits must my daughter wear daily and how does she manage to get them dirty in five minutes? If you can tell me how to scotchguard her tights and shirts against stains, I'll give you the Nobel Prize.
5. Where did my "life" go and does anyone remember what it looked like? I don't. I think it may have involved coffee-laden chats with my husband, hobbies, reading, and the occasional night out, but I wonder if that's just one of those created fictionalised memories.
Please feel free to answer using multiple choice, short answer or essay form. I won't dock any points for spelling because I know you're trying to type while nursing with a larger child hauling on your arm or climbing into your lap.