You Can't Talk to a Psycho Like a Normal Human Being

Posts in the offing: ranty angry ones and informative, conscientious ones and a couple funny ones.

In the meanwhile, I've been procrastinating lots because ---umm, I don't know why. I'm tired. I had a migraine for four days. There's ice-cream in the house.

I can come up with more excuses if you'd like.

But, see, there I was on Facebook, messaging back this very nice normal girl who has always been conscientious about staying in touch and even has brought lego for my kids. We worked together once. I wasn't her boss, nor, really, her mentor, but I was kinda, sorta, by default, in charge of a project that she was in charge of (get it?). So I should be all mentor-like and adult and give her good advice and things like that, right?

But I'm tired. And I'm coming off a four day migraine. And I was feeling silly. So instead I gave her this wonderful advice:

This conversation is started almost exactly in the middle. I could give you the whole conversation but that would be pedantic (which I originally wrote as "mendantic" just now. That's not a word. But it should be)

Nice, Normal Girl:
hahahaha Can I drop them off to the little library building on (edit: details you don't need)? That's where your husband works, right? That might be the most practical, since it's close to school, and my schedule is messy, so it's hard to find meeting times.
Okay, well, you know, if you don't want to see me, fine. I understand (it's cause I'm fat isn't it?)


Yes, (edit: details you don't need) is at the library and his office is still on (edit: details you don't need) street. I love that you called it "the little library building." I think that's what I'm going to call it from now on: "Oh, honey, have a good day at the little library building today! Bring home milk! I love you. Play nicely with the others."

He'll like that.

I just can't get serious at all tonight. It's SMUK's fault. She's really funny in a gross and disgusting kind of way and I just found her blog and have been reading it instead of typing up my column. Check it whenever you need an excuse to procrastinate http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/

I am sorry your schedule is messy. How's school going this year?
Nice, Normal Girl:
well that fact the I want to click this link right now, because I want to procrastionate should pretty much sum things up. haha. It's okay, a lot of bullshitting really, "oh, yes, my art is about the state of human consciousness..." when actually, I just wanted to paint a flower, but I need to sound good to get marks. I love art school.
Just make everything "a post-modern feminist's take on....." and you'll get straight A's. Unless your prof is a guy (and not one of the touchy-feely ones) in which case it's "a post-modern deconstruction of...." and don't forget "the medium is the message."

That ought to do it.
Me again:
And by the way,
Nice, Normal Girl:
I just did, okay? You have successfully made me procrastinate. Such a good influence.
Did I ever claim to be a good influence?

Okay, maybe I did. But when I did I was making a statement as a post-modern feminist's take on the constructions of self and societal expectation.

Now paint a flower to go with that and we're all good.
Nice, Normal Girl: ..........
Is either painting a flower or reading some hilarious adult-oriented content over on SMUK. Cause she didn't answer me. Strange, hunh? I don't get young people these days.

For further lessons in how-not-to-be-a-mentor-or-at-all-sensible, buy my new book

I Just Make This Shit Up

Haha, did you actually click that? I made that up too...

I didn't make up the title to this post. Poe did. Here, see for yourself:


  1. And has she unfriended you this morning after sending her somewhere to read posts about vagina mouth and fucking your dead sister?

  2. Very happy to have found your blog. It's actually funny. I am new but I have already read so much shit. really. it's terrible. I'm at the point of giving up. Then you come along with your crazy chat and all is good with the world.

    When I was at university, I had a very good friend who read fine art. He never showed anyone his work. One day he was treating me to coffee in a very posh little establishment underneath a church and he pointed to a painting on the wall and asked me if I knew what it was. It was OBVIOUSLY a tree. There was a whole series of them. They were quite pretty. He then proceeded to tell me they were his. He had sold them for silly amounts of money to the cafe owner who also believed they were trees.

    They were in fact vaginas. he proceeded to tell me who they each belonged to.

    Needless to say, I could never keep a straight face whilst drinking that bijou little place again!

  3. I'd say your advice is pretty sound. I made all my undergrad essays about women finding their own self worth. In fact, I did all my a-level essays about that too. It got me a first. That's English lit for you.

  4. *snigger* I totally clicked the link! lol!


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