Let's face it: I broke my blog. Right? What are you doing here? I've had nothing to say for almost three months.
Well, that's not true. I've had plenty to say, but I haven't been blogging it.
So here's a run down.
Financially, I'm broke - worse than I broke the blog.
I've decided to leave my husband. The reasons for this are many but the primary ones are:
1. Good fodder for the blog now.
2. Will lead traffic to my blog as people tweet out my breakdown.
3. Will give me something to post about in the future when I've got nothing to say - everyone loves a relationship breakdown story.
4. If we're sharing the kids every other weekend I might get a chance to get my haircut and maybe even have a coffee once in a while.
5. Financially we'll be better off.
I'll move into a nice, big 4 bedroom social housing unit and as a single-mom the government will pay me more than I can ever expect to make working. Plus they'll pay my daycare so I can work (but not so much that I'll lose my government money) and if I decide I need retraining because a University degree in English is absolutely useless, they'll probably pay for that too. Meanwhile, we can sell our house and hubs can rent a small apartment, thus saving us tonnes of money and paying off all our debt. It's really a win-win-win.
So this is the plan right now. I'm still somewhat enamoured with my husband so we'll continue to be exes with benefits. However, he doesn't blog and I find that's putting a real crimp in my public life. I'm going to start a blog for him. Probably he won't bother posting to it, but I can just pretend to be him anyway.
He'll write posts about me and our breakup and how lucky he is to be away from me. Then I can write indignant posts in reply. It'll get us tonnes of traffic and pageviews - I'm sure of it.
Meanwhile, I'm planning on heading to a blogger's conference and finding myself a fellow that does blog that I can have an affair with. Then we can blame my marriage breakdown on that. Pretty sure I can exchange sex for extra web traffic. There's gotta be a taker out there somewhere. I've got my eye on Steve, but he says he's not going to CyberMummy - something about not being a Mummy, apparently.
So then my plan is to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure I won't have a problem there. I could go into great detail about my fertility and all that, but I figure that's a future post - gotta drag things out a little so you'll keep coming back.
Meanwhile, I won't of course know who the father is. Seeing as how I'll be banging Steve and my ex at the same time. I figure I'll announce the pregnancy all dewy-eyed and blissful and then after everyone congratulates me and people start sending their friends over here with messages along the lines of "can you believe it? She's left her husband, shacked up with another blogger and split his marriage and now she's got the gall to be happily announcing a pregnancy!" I'll let the big "I got TWO BABY DADDIES" bomb drop.
That's always a good one to keep people coming back for me. Maury Povich ain't got nothing on me.
But the real reason I'm planning to get pregnant? Well it brings me back to first part of this post: I'm broke.
This is ridiculous. I read, like, three of Dooce's posts before I started blogging. That girl is rolling in it and I don't think she's any better a writer than me. I've been blogging over a year now and I haven't made one red cent. Before I even started this blog I ordered up my t-shirts, mugs, and calendars. Now the calendars are a year out of date and no one's bought one.
It's a pretty clear fact that the cute is where the money is. With another baby I'm sure I could get the bottles and bibs companies to sponsor me. Not to mention formula.
And if none of that works, I'll just drown my sorrows in chocolate. I hear Nutella is planning another mommy blogger drive....
So do you think that will do it? I really got to get my stats up so I can start selling advertising and getting sponsors to do giveaways so that I can actually go on with my not writing phase of the blog and just whore out some product. That's so much easier than actually coming up with something to say every day. Plus, for some reason, whenever I do have something to say someone thinks I'm a bitch for saying it. Nobody thinks that product reviewers are bitchy. Well, except perhaps the people who tried the product they're pimping and realised it was a deathtrap and are now pissed off that someone is extolling it's virtues. But really, I'll make sure that the pajamas are fire-proof and the food is less than 50% fat and 50% sugar.
PS: If you believe even a word of this post than you don't know me well enough to even care what goes on in my life or my blog. But if you want to leave scathing comments, that's awesome. Those are great traffic-drivers!
PPS: If you think I'm mocking you in this post, I probably am. But I'm mocking a lot of people. So don't go feeling all important.