8.2.11

Last Week Someone Called Me a B*TCH

Oh hi.
Feeling neglected?

Let's face it: I broke my blog. Right? What are you doing here? I've had nothing to say for almost three months.

Well, that's not true. I've had plenty to say, but I haven't been blogging it.

So here's a run down.

Financially, I'm broke - worse than I broke the blog.

I've decided to leave my husband. The reasons for this are many but the primary ones are:
1. Good fodder for the blog now.
2. Will lead traffic to my blog as people tweet out my breakdown.
3. Will give me something to post about in the future when I've got nothing to say - everyone loves a relationship breakdown story.
4. If we're sharing the kids every other weekend I might get a chance to get my haircut and maybe even have a coffee once in a while.
5. Financially we'll be better off.
I'll move into a nice, big 4 bedroom social housing unit and as a single-mom the government will pay me more than I can ever expect to make working. Plus they'll pay my daycare so I can work (but not so much that I'll lose my government money) and if I decide I need retraining because a University degree in English is absolutely useless, they'll probably pay for that too. Meanwhile, we can sell our house and hubs can rent a small apartment, thus saving us tonnes of money and paying off all our debt. It's really a win-win-win.

So this is the plan right now. I'm still somewhat enamoured with my husband so we'll continue to be exes with benefits. However, he doesn't blog and I find that's putting a real crimp in my public life. I'm going to start a blog for him. Probably he won't bother posting to it, but I can just pretend to be him anyway.

He'll write posts about me and our breakup and how lucky he is to be away from me. Then I can write indignant posts in reply. It'll get us tonnes of traffic and pageviews - I'm sure of it.

Meanwhile, I'm planning on heading to a blogger's conference and finding myself a fellow that does blog that I can have an affair with. Then we can blame my marriage breakdown on that. Pretty sure I can exchange sex for extra web traffic. There's gotta be a taker out there somewhere. I've got my eye on Steve, but he says he's not going to CyberMummy - something about not being a Mummy, apparently.

So then my plan is to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure I won't have a problem there. I could go into great detail about my fertility and all that, but I figure that's a future post - gotta drag things out a little so you'll keep coming back.

Meanwhile, I won't of course know who the father is. Seeing as how I'll be banging Steve and my ex at the same time. I figure I'll announce the pregnancy all dewy-eyed and blissful and then after everyone congratulates me and people start sending their friends over here with messages along the lines of "can you believe it? She's left her husband, shacked up with another blogger and split his marriage and now she's got the gall to be happily announcing a pregnancy!" I'll let the big "I got TWO BABY DADDIES" bomb drop.

That's always a good one to keep people coming back for me. Maury Povich ain't got nothing on me.

But the real reason I'm planning to get pregnant? Well it brings me back to first part of this post: I'm broke.

This is ridiculous. I read, like, three of Dooce's posts before I started blogging. That girl is rolling in it and I don't think she's any better a writer than me. I've been blogging over a year now and I haven't made one red cent. Before I even started this blog I ordered up my t-shirts, mugs, and calendars. Now the calendars are a year out of date and no one's bought one.

It's a pretty clear fact that the cute is where the money is. With another baby I'm sure I could get the bottles and bibs companies to sponsor me. Not to mention formula.

And if none of that works, I'll just drown my sorrows in chocolate. I hear Nutella is planning another mommy blogger drive....

So do you think that will do it? I really got to get my stats up so I can start selling advertising and getting sponsors to do giveaways so that I can actually go on with my not writing phase of the blog and just whore out some product. That's so much easier than actually coming up with something to say every day. Plus, for some reason, whenever I do have something to say someone thinks I'm a bitch for saying it. Nobody thinks that product reviewers are bitchy. Well, except perhaps the people who tried the product they're pimping and realised it was a deathtrap and are now pissed off that someone is extolling it's virtues. But really, I'll make sure that the pajamas are fire-proof and the food is less than 50% fat and 50% sugar.

Sound good?

PS: If you believe even a word of this post than you don't know me well enough to even care what goes on in my life or my blog. But if you want to leave scathing comments, that's awesome. Those are great traffic-drivers!

PPS: If you think I'm mocking you in this post, I probably am. But I'm mocking a lot of people. So don't go feeling all important.

45 comments:

  1. I'm trying really hard to not wake up my husband, cat, &/or baby by laughing.

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  2. I think you should also drop hints of a lesbian affair, start a "Silent But Saucy Saturday Sex Toy" meme, and vlog the birth of your possibly bastard child.
    I'll be your agent, we will be rolling in it soon enough.
    (LOVE it, knew I would)

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  3. @Cate: I wanted to have an affair with Heather over at Note from Lapland, but wasn't sure how to work the baby into that storyline. Of course an affair with Steve, Heather, and my ex could've worked I suppose but then when would I get my haircut and get a coffee?

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  4. @Dana: Whatever you do DON'T WAKE THE BABY!!! Dear Lord, I apologise if I made you do that! Meanwhile, is the baby cute? Have you looked into formula sponsors?

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  5. I've heard that mentioning World of Warcraft and similar games is a great way to gain some commenters/traffic. Say you don't like World of Warcraft or make disparaging remarks about the social skills of WoW players and you'll have more comments than you can handle.

    I've bookmarked your blog and I'll definitely be back - can't wait to see how the love triangle/2-Daddy incredibly cute and marketable baby story thing works out for you.

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  6. @Susan:
    That's awesome advice. I know nothing about World of Warcraft, but I could blame the breakdown of my marriage on my husband being addicted to it. I bet that would work!
    Awesome SEO advice (look at me slinging around techy words)

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  7. I have a cute baby. Why am I not getting formula sponsors?
    Maybe while you are having an affair with Heather, she could hook up with your ex which would be AWESOME fodder. Can you imagine?

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  8. I laughed so hard at this post I almost wet my pants. I heard Heather had shacked up with the Cocktails at Naptime chicks - they're saucy you know!!

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  9. @Toushka: That's a good idea, actually. Hmmm.... he has mentioned that he likes Steve too. We could do this awesome, weird, slightly gross in it's detail, love pentagon!

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  10. @Bigwords: What?! Heather said she was saving her shaved legs for me!

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  11. This is awesome, really awesome. Can I jump on the bandwagon and write something equally outrageous on my blog? Do you think I'd get more traffic/comments that way?

    I had a cute baby once, why'd she have to grow up? She would have been fabulous fodder for blogging about. Actually that's truly an awesome idea, I'll just get a time machine...

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  12. @Suzie: It has been my experience that the bitchier you are the more people that visit your blog. You know, unless your competing against someone who's going through a pathetic divorce.
    Have you got many old photos of your daughter? Perhaps you could pretend she's your new baby!

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  13. Love this, esp...'can exchange sex for extra web traffic'. If only it was that simple. Or maybe it is and I'm just really bad at it. The sex that is...

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  14. Whoa whoa whoa! Don't wave this kind of bone in front of me and then whip it away at the last minute! I've ordered snakeskin undies and everything! They're non returnable!

    I'm sulking now. What the hell do I tell my wife? She had a lodger lined up and everything...

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  15. Firstly - why does no-one want an affair with me. *stamps feet*

    Secondly - please can we confer - you do jack shit for months and then come up with a scathing anti mom blogging post on the same day as me - and do a much better job.

    Thirdly - welcome back, luv ya. x

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  16. VBIC: I'll have an affair with you as well seeing as I'm no longer wanted here.

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  17. Clearly you are a blogging genius, before you know it you'll have PR companies beating a path to your door so you can sell their tat and shite for them for the lofty price of your very own tat and shite to keep and treasure forever.

    I assume you'll be live vlogging the birth and the subsequent breakup and of course tweeting and FB-ing sick messages of love to each other to make us all want to puke out guts up... Maybe you could get the whole relationship sponsored and wear matching sponsored t-shirts everywhere you go, possibly have the brand tattooed across your foreheads - which you live vlog of course.

    And your going to have to offer me a lot more than just great sex to keep me as your mistress - i have my public image to think of, i need to be in the public eye at all times and seedy internet affairs are just one of the many lows to which I am willing to sink to stay there. Maybe if you got us sponsored i would be more faithful...

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  18. That's definitely an idea worth thinking about. Unfortunately, she's also on the web and is bound to find me out at some stage. She might ask me about this baby I seem to have that she never sees.

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  19. VBIC: you'll have to rub more than my hands!

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  20. At work so trying to read and not pee pants! Just wondered if that Catalunya chick would be interested in me joining the gang bang? I've had my eye on her for some time. Excellent post and even better Mommy Blogging strategy! x

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  22. I mean, Nice job! Very Jonathan Swift!

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  23. @Lisa: VB in Catalunya will probably do a free sexual ability assesment for you. She's generous like that. Or Steve might, he's honest but obliging.

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  24. @Steve: Of course the part about having an affair with you was all true! You haven't had a vasectomy, though, have you?

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  25. @VB: Oh sweetheart, it's only because I can't afford the airfare. I'll see if I can get someone to sponsor our rendevous. How are you on camera?

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  26. @Heather: I hadn't thought of tattoos. How very Angelina! Bad Girlz productions have offered to sponsor us and Very Bored. The only condition is that we need to shave our bits. Gilette has offered to sponsor the shaving so long as we vlog it.

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  27. @Vix: I'll be needing a blog redesign too. You know, more uptown skanky with tonnes of webling and upskirt photos. Are you up for it? I can pay in corporate freebies.

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  28. @Jenni: Now I want to see your original comment!

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  29. How about fertility drugs and triplets? Now that would be a story!

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  30. Sounds great! Throw in a crystal meth addiction and I think I can get you a book deal with Random House!

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  31. Is that really the answer to a book deal with Random House, I did wonder...

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  32. No my tubes are all in order - no cuts or knots. We could use the rhythm method to get you up the duff. Or just do it every night until you catch. Whatever you'd prefer. I'm easy.

    That was the right answer, right?

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  33. If we synchronise our sponsored shaving there shouldn't be any 'chin scratching issues'. Count me in!

    @Steve - I was merely warming my hands so they were able to perform their magic

    @vegemitevix - only if I can use the words 'did you root her?'

    On this note, I shall retire....sated, satisfied and possibly somewhat big-headed and take my smut elsewhere.

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  34. Keep the calenders for another 6 years and they'll be good to go with a bit of Tippex over the year.

    As for the threeways... can I watch? Or I could hold the video camera - Good vlogging material with maybe a box of cereal or a jar of nutella in the background, just to please the sponsors?

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  35. Sure beats my accidental increase of blog traffic by posting topless photos of Steve Backshall on my site - now maybe I could have an affair with him and blog about it?

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  36. Haha! Is there anyone you've missed? I don't think so!

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  37. LMAO! You know the sad and pathetic truth is that one of the reasons my marriage broke up actually *is* because of World of Warcraft! LOL

    Awesome post! :D

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  38. @Readily, @Nickies idea of product placement is genius, but whatever you do, DO NOT be tempted to use the Nutella during your romp/s.

    Trust me!

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  39. It really is such a shame you actually like your husband. Can't you get him to start some really annoying habits, or maybe you can start to hate existing ones. You know, loud sneezes or whatever. You'll be on to a goldmine.

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  40. Hang on, I want in. My blog is flowery and sweet, so having an eleven-waypansexualblogorgy (with wetsuits) could bring me a whole new set of readers.

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  41. ROFL! I love you Dara! I needed a good laugh! :)

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  42. Honestly, I really shocked and hurt that you didn't consider having an affair with me. After all the good times we've shared together eating each other's hair lice and watching monkey porn. Now you've gotten me so depressed that I'm going to have to drown myelf in a huge vat of Nutella. Unless I decide to eat it first. *cue violent weeping here*

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