There are these things that EVERYONE loves. And it's kinda like that thing that EVERYONE knew back in Elementary School where you pretended to know it too and would totally play along but were always afraid of getting caught as being THE ONE PERSON who doesn't really understand it.
And I'm sick of lying and worrying about getting caught. It's just too much stress everytime I open FB or Twitter and see these posts. I mean, I HAVE to respond, right? Cause if I don't, people might realise that I have NO FRIGGING CLUE what they're talking about. But if I respond inappropriately, well, then everyone will know I'm just a GREAT BIG FAKER.
Of course, the response seems to just be to repeat the name of the thing that's cool.
If someone posts a picture like this
If, for some reason you suspect it may not be Ryan Gosling - hint: it always is - than you can say something more generic like "OMG! Loves him!" Or you can repeat part of the photoshopped phrase with "He can" proceeding it, like"He can stoke my fire any day" or "He can pluck my chicken whenever he wants."
The thing I don't get though is, well, why the heck is everyone in love with Ryan Gosling? And how do I hire his publicist?
But it's not just Ryan Gosling I don't get. I also don't get this:
Anyway, I am well trained enough to realise that the expected response when a friend posts this is "OMG! Bacon!" or, if you're not absolutely certain if it's supposed to resemble bacon or not but it is definitely a foodstuff than you can say "omnomnom" (a phrase which I also don't get). And if it's like some crocheted semblance of bacon and especially if they've announced they made it themselves, you are not to respond with "what the fuck is that and why did you waste your time making it and punish my eyes with this photo of it?" The appropriate response is "Cute!" (please, do not forget the exclamation marks! Without them one may doubt your sincerity, especially if you have a tendency toward sarcasm!)
There are other things I really don't get, like
- those supposed "spank bank" images for women of men doing housework. (I prefer sex to clean floors, personally)
- cats with big eyes (totally scary and weird - they already stalk you)
- adult mouths imposed on children's faces (creepy and never done right)
- cupcakes made to look like anything but cupcakes (what's wrong with cupcakes? They're no pig's ear; they're silk purses. Leave em alone)
- food porn in general (food only makes me wet when I spill soup in my lap)
- big tits - you know, the really humungous ones (is there such a thing as too big? Like if she needs to hold them up with both hands and have counterbalancing silicone implanted in her ass?)
But they're a little more complicated and require more than just repeating the name of the image back. Of course, now that I've given away just how uncool I am no one is going to want to continue to read my blog anyway. BUT if you decide to take pity on nerdy ol' me than I'll write more on those other things I don't get later. I might even write seriously about them. Who knows.
One thing I do know is that I'm craving a cupcake made to look like Ryan Gosling but that tastes like bacon right now.