25.4.12

Things I'm Not Cool Enough to Love

I just don't get it.

There are these things that EVERYONE loves. And it's kinda like that thing that EVERYONE knew back in Elementary School where you pretended to know it too and would totally play along but were always afraid of getting caught as being THE ONE PERSON who doesn't really understand it.

And I'm sick of lying and worrying about getting caught. It's just too much stress everytime I open FB or Twitter and see these posts. I mean, I HAVE to respond, right? Cause if I don't, people might realise that I have NO FRIGGING CLUE what they're talking about. But if I respond inappropriately, well, then everyone will know I'm just a GREAT BIG FAKER.

Of course, the response seems to just be to repeat the name of the thing that's cool.

For instance:

If someone posts a picture like this
Photo Credit


The appropriate response is "OMG! Ryan Gosling." - hint: if he looks like you might recognise him from some movie and the photo is being posted by a female who is also being all gushy about him than 99.9% certainty it is, indeed, Ryan Gosling. Another clue would be if he has a smarmy hipster photoshopped phrase appearing over his picture saying something like "Girl, you go dip yourself a cool drink of well water while I pluck that chicken and stoke the fire to roast it."

If, for some reason you suspect it may not be Ryan Gosling - hint: it always is - than you can say something more generic like "OMG! Loves him!" Or you can repeat part of the photoshopped phrase with "He can" proceeding it, like"He can stoke my fire any day" or "He can pluck my chicken whenever he wants."

The thing I don't get though is, well, why the heck is everyone in love with Ryan Gosling? And how do I hire his publicist?

But it's not just Ryan Gosling I don't get. I also don't get this:

Photo Credit
I mean, I like bacon as an occasional treat - if my kids leave me any. And as a child I was totally amused by the fact that it was the PIG'S ASS that it came from - I told ALL my friends. And everytime I ate it I said "mmmmm, asssssssss," which usually earned me a slap across the head from my mother but was totally worth it. Yet, okay, childhood reminiscence aside, WHAT THE HECK is it with bacon? I don't even get the bacon obsession but what I REALLY don't get is the food-made-to-look-and-taste-like-bacon lovefest that's going on on the interwebs. Cause, yeah, bacon....it's the pig's ass (I am totally going to appropriate that phrase now to refer to things that are totally cool but you don't know why).

Anyway, I am well trained enough to realise that the expected response when a friend posts this is "OMG! Bacon!" or, if you're not absolutely certain if it's supposed to resemble bacon or not but it is definitely a foodstuff than you can say "omnomnom" (a phrase which I also don't get). And if it's like some crocheted semblance of bacon and especially if they've announced they made it themselves, you are not to respond with "what the fuck is that and why did you waste your time making it and punish my eyes with this photo of it?" The appropriate response is "Cute!" (please, do not forget the exclamation marks! Without them one may doubt your sincerity, especially if you have a tendency toward sarcasm!)

There are other things I really don't get, like
  •  those supposed "spank bank" images for women of men doing housework. (I prefer sex to clean floors, personally)
  • cats with big eyes (totally scary and weird - they already stalk you)
  • adult mouths imposed on children's faces (creepy and never done right)
  • cupcakes made to look like anything but cupcakes (what's wrong with cupcakes? They're no pig's ear; they're silk purses. Leave em alone)
  • food porn in general (food only makes me wet when I spill soup in my lap)
  • big tits - you know, the really humungous ones (is there such a thing as too big? Like if she needs to hold them up with both hands and have counterbalancing silicone implanted in her ass?)

But they're a little more complicated and require more than just repeating the name of the image back. Of course, now that I've given away just how uncool I am no one is going to want to continue to read my blog anyway. BUT if you decide to take pity on nerdy ol' me than I'll write more on those other things I don't get later. I might even write seriously about them. Who knows.

One thing I do know is that I'm craving a cupcake made to look like Ryan Gosling but that tastes like bacon right now.

Not.


15 comments:

  1. See, I knew you were perfect.

    I have no idea who Ryan Gosling is. I have never gone a bundle over bacon and, in fact, I actually have a bacon intolerance - it makes my gut swell up painfully. As for the rest, only the big tits made me raise an eyebrow. But even then you're probably right... there is a point where they can be too big. But if you're a heterosexual bloke that point is never going to be when they are in your hands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to respond but I'm still stuck on your first line.
      You, sir, are a hero among men

      Delete
  2. And I still either know nor understand who Ryan Gossling is nor why I'm supposed to care. Can we be uncool together?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you already know that I can match you for uncoolness. There is so much in this world that just makes me go, "wha?" Let me add:

    ::Mad Men (I'm still watching it, in the hope that I can figure out why I'm supposed to like it),
    ::quest narratives (Lord of the Rings: I don't understand you),
    ::hot yoga (not going to try it - I love yoga, but I hate other people's sweat),
    ::wearing pyjamas when you're not in bed (slovenly, and what if someone came to the door?),
    ::savoury foods disguised as sweet foods (there is no greater disappointment)
    ::The Once
    ::anything that is called a latte but is not actually a latte (chai latte, pumpkin pie latte, you are not lattes, so please stop pretending).

    Oh, there's so much more. So very much more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about yoga pants? Unless you're doing yoga, why?
      I thought of you when writing this. I knew I wasn't the ONLY uncool kid.

      Delete
  4. Oh, yeah, any kind of athletic wear when you're not actually doing anything athletic. I just don't understand that at all. You wouldn't go to the grocery store in a helmet and knee pads, so why on earth are you doing it in track pants? I do make some allowances for yoga pants in the weeks directly following childbirth, but only within the confines of my own home, and even then I'm apologetic about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweat pants, yoga pants, pajama pants...
      All of these are things I would prefer to see you walking naked in public than walking clothed with.
      Especially you, of course...

      Delete
  5. Yeah. Ryan Gosling. *Still* don't know why exactly he has set the internet on fire, although I think it has something to do with a British journalist he saved from being run over. Or something. Apparently he has become a feminist icon too. Plus he has his own meme.

    But I can totally relate to this post. Shawshank Redemption for instance. Everyone thinks it's the best film ever made. Am I the only person in the whole world who doesn't get it? Who just thinks it's a bit trite and sugary? Who would rather watch a very large bunch of other films? Am I missing something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is Gappy by the way (see above). Don't know why it didn't put my name next to my comment.

      Delete
    2. My blog wants you to be anonymous.
      Actually my comments system is messed up with the link colours. Your name is there, it just doesn't show unless you hover over it.
      I've changed it and changed it again, but my blog doesn't love me anymore ever since I neglected it for nearly a year.
      We have an on again-off again relationship and it wants more commitment from me I think.
      I do like Shawshank redemeption, precisely because it is trite and sugary. But liking it is quite different from finding it the best film ever made. There are people who think that. Have they not seen other films?

      Delete
  6. I'm with you on all of these. I don't even know who Ryan Gosling is. I haven't read the Hunger Games or 50 Shades of Gray (and won't), and please don't BranchOut in my direction. Kthx.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read a bit of the twilight series. It made me want to kill myself. Not because of the bad writing, even. And definitely not because of the teen melodrama. But because I live in a world where THIS is considered amongst the finest writing.
      Quite depressing.
      I hadn't even heard of 50 Shades of Gray until a couple weeks ago and now it's everywhere. This old grandmother type was showing it to me in the bookstore the other day. Asking if I had read it and complaining about the price but saying she was going to buy it because all her friends said to. She concluded with "It's not that bad to spend this much; I can't get it from the library and this way I can give it to my grandchildren to read afterwards."
      To which I replied - ever the sweet diplomat - "honey, you don't look old enough to have grandchildren old enough to read that."
      She enjoyed that one. Maybe if the book sucks ass (is that in there, I don't know) she'll at least remember the compliment that came with it.

      Delete
  7. Hear Hear! Although I do love bacon!

    But who the fuck is Ryan Gosling???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bacon is good. Bacon flavoured chocolate? Why? Just.... why?
      I don't know who Ryan Gosling is. I think that he's actually four or five people all pretending to be the same person.

      Delete

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