22.8.12

The Post-Game Wrap Up

I feel like I'm walking through water, deep and salty. Maybe these are the tears that have been held back, that tremble at the brim but never topple. I don't remember how to cry. I am soaked, brined, in my own unwasted tears.

I feel like my mouth has been invaded and hornets have built a nest. I can't breath. All that emits when I try to talk is the buzzing noise of a million thoughts hived together in one congealing, sticky mass.

I feel like an old woman, bent double from swollen joints and shrinking bones, hardly able to carry her own weight. Pulling behind me, like a cart of groceries, a wagonload of children, their baggage and mine. I'm not sure my body can bear this pressure.

I feel tired. And sad. And scared.

But I feel the relief and freedom of self-determined destiny.

And that makes the rest worth it, in the end.


5 comments:

  1. The load will feel lighter in time. But you need to give yourself time to heal and rest and breathe... and hear your own voice again. x

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  2. You are such a strong, brave and determined woman and mother. But it's okay to not be so strong and brave all the time, it's okay to feel sad, bewildered, scared and frightened. It's not just okay in fact, it's pretty much mandatory after such a big life change and upheaval. Six months on and I still feel that way at times. But it DOES get easier, life DOES get happier, more fun and full of joy. You WILL get there. In the mean time you need to give yourself permission to feel all these things and not beat yourself up for feeling them. Love you xxx

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  3. Dara, when my marriage ended I wrote a very raw and soulful post (Sound of a Heart Breaking). I was in so much pain. One woman left, as her comment, the following poem. I've gone back and read it again and again. Maybe you will see yourself in this, too. x

    whole

    There will be a day you will be catapulted from your own bedrock.
    Around you, everything humming as usual, but a scream
    will have lodged in your throat, dismantling your song. That shock
    will mutate into sadness, then rage, then something so out of proportion
    you will not recognize its borders. And then it will be time
    to walk the long hallway and it will seem almost obscenely solitary,
    you dangling above the precipice of your tiny life, a caricature of alone.
    But then, like a great wind, a thousand hands, prayers, offerings will carry you home, and just like that you will be joined forever, your soul
    twinned with everything you see, the heart of the world so clear and close and whole.

    Maya Stein

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  4. Here for you always. You know that.

    LCM x

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  5. Sending love to you huni. If you need me just shout, for anything.

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